How to apologize to somebody when one or both of you don’t remember what needs apologizing for?

Question

My wife and I have been married for a long time and are in a loving relationship.

Unfortunately I have memory issues (ADHD, dyspraxia and similar co-morbid conditions) as does she from both similar and different conditions (things like chronic fatigue, but also CPTSD which causes memory blanks).

Twice recently I've upset her very badly.

Once when she was trying to help me wake up for work, and I accused her of something. By her account I was awake, but she was so shocked by what I said she blanked the memory - possibly as a unconscious coping strategy developed from her CPTSD. I have no memory of that event, but I trust her recall. She was left with an overwhelming feeling of hurt from what I said without knowing what was said. She finds inability to remember intensely distressing.

Once this morning, again when she was attempting to help me wake up. I remember something happening and some careless words on my behalf and her anger. I'm going to roll the dice and see how much she remembers when I wake her up soon for her morning medicine.

For context neither or us get a healthy amount or quality of sleep, which we're both working on. We both feel guilty about not helping each other more.

I feel like I should apologize, however in the past when I've apologized without knowing what or why, it's made things worse because of the perceived insincerity. She has experienced a lot of trauma from insincere people manipulating her and can't shake that impression in these scenarios.

For my part, whether I was asleep or awake, or I do or don't remember, etc. I want to take responsibility, improve and change in a way that would prevent this from happening, however in the past I've been ineffectual in this regard.

So how can I apologize sincerely when I am not sure what was done wrong? How can I express that I am trying to improve when I can't prove it with my actions?

Answer 1

Over the years, I've come to place less value on apologies and more value on clear and open statements of belief and intention. This is all the more important in your case where the actual upsetting incident is not well remembered.

For example, let's say you said something very upsetting, and now you don't remember what you said and your wife cannot or will not tell you exactly what it was. Perhaps she will be able to tell you how it made her feel. Maybe "it made me feel like a servant you could yell at for being slow or not guessing right". Or "it made me feel like my opinion didn't matter". Something like that.

Then you can concentrate on being clear about your feelings. Something like:

I'm so sorry. I don't think you're a servant at all. We're a team. I guess I let my irritation about not being able to do something show itself as being irritated with the way you were helping me. That's not how I feel. I am very grateful you help me. Whatever you do for me is a gift and it's wrong for me to complain about it. I will keep trying to be clear about when I am angry at myself or my situation and when I am angry at you, which is very rare. I'm sorry my reaction this morning was not clear about how much I value the help you give me.

This breaks the rules for a good apology, which should say "I did X. I am sorry, that was wrong. I will do A, B, and C to make sure I don't X again." You can't do that because you're not sure what X is and more importantly, you can't say "I won't get mad" or "I won't yell" or "I won't sleep too little" or whatever the issue is, because these things are out of your control. What's more, specifically repeating your offense (even if you knew it) might be just as upsetting as in the first case.

In my own life there is someone who says horrible things and then thinks no more of them. He doesn't apologize because he doesn't "store" saying them or have a sort of "oh, I should take that back later it was really too much" to-do list item. If I say to him "this morning you said X" he used to say "I didn't!" and really believe it. These days he has improved to "did I? Well I don't mean that at all." That is definitely an improvement. I would be happier if he could add "in fact, not-X" as well, and suggest you learn to.

This requires your wife to remember a little more about the incidents. Not what precisely you said, but how they made her feel. Worthless? Abandoned? Vulnerable? Unimportant? Judged? Corrected? You can then clearly say, in small and unambiguous words, I value you, I am not authorized to judge you, I will never leave you, You are vitally important to me, and other true statements she needs to hear to help her feel less upset and angry by what you said. These are really things that can't be said too much. Have them outweigh a temporary outburst while waking up or other passing incidents.

Answer 2

So how can I apologize sincerely when I am not sure what was done wrong?

You are sure what was done wrong: you upset your wife. If you apologize, that should be the focus of your conversation, not necessarily the precise wording that caused it.

Apologies are all about making amends for past events. This is related to, but separate from taking action to prevent the events from reoccurring.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do both, but an apology shouldn't be defined by a promise to improve. It can certainly help to address both, but your apology shouldn't hinge on the promise you make.

You mention your wife was emotionally manipulated in the past; which often comes with the manipulator dodging responsibility and perpetuating the manipulation (consciously or not). One way to achieve that is to make promises for the future as a way to avoid acknowledging what has already happened in the past.

While you may be genuinely trying to improve, your wife has possibly grown to distrust the mere promise of future improvement. If she has been put in these kinds of situations in the past, it is understandable that she eventually learns that these promises by themselves can be hollow - even if yours aren't.

I'm going to roll the dice and see how much she remembers when I wake her up soon for her morning medicine.

I don't understand what you're trying to achieve by "rolling the dice and see how much she remembers". Are you trying to avoid blame in case she doesn't remember? If so, that would make me question whether you're genuinely sorry and trying to improve; and not just trying to dodge responsibility for things you actually did wrong.

Rather than rolling the dice; why not proactively come forward about possibly having hurt her?

• Even if you didn't hurt her, addressing this proactively shows care and consideration for her well-being, which in turn supports her belief in that you are at least trying to do right by her.
• Even if she doesn't remember, you've already pointed out that she's able to remember the hurt even if she doesn't remember what caused it. Addressing the issue may help her identify and place her hurt feelings, which goes towards improving her mental well-being.

How can I express that I am trying to improve when I can't prove it with my actions?

Whether or not your wife is satisfied with your genuine attempts (but failures to do so) is up to your wife. This is not a call you or I can make.

Referring back to my previous point, if she has become indifferent to promises with no concrete follow-through, she might not be satisfied with your claims that you are trying to improve yourself yet failing to concretely do so.

The best you can do is make actionable steps towards improving. It may be received better if you succeed at making small steps, rather than promising something and then under-delivering.

Try to go to bed on time. Go to bed happy and relaxed. Don't speak to your wife until you've actually woken up. I don't know precisely what the solution here is; but you need to address it. You can't just brush your behavior off as being inevitable because you were tired or still half asleep. If you do that, you discredit your claim that you are trying to improve.

By breaking down the problem into small actionable steps to improve your behavior in the morning; you are also concretely showing your wife that you are putting effort into this issue and are not just trying to avoid it, which will also help with her believing that your intentions are genuine.