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Question

What are cleverer retorts than 1 and 2 below? 1 and 2 don't deflect busybodies; revealing that busybodies' questions bother you, can incite them to interrogate further.

  1. I'd prefer not to answer that.
  2. I hope you’ll understand that that is a question I would find it embarrassing / indiscreet / a breach of confidentiality / too personal to answer.

I've tried to deflect using humour, but failed:

[ Source :] Bob: “How much are you paid?”
Me: “Half what I’m worth!”

Bob: How much did that cost?
Me:“Not as much as it looks like.” OR
ME:“I got a good deal."

Assume that such bodybodies continue to interrogate, while ignoring any tries to change the subject.

Other examples of prying questions: - What do you do for a living? - What's your occupational history? - What roles did you have before your current role?

NNOX Apps
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    Questions on Stack Exchange are best when they're about specific examples. This question is about a broad class of problems, and it's not clear that each of these different problems will have the same solution. I strongly recommend editing this question to make it about a specific situation. (And I also recommend adding, at the very least, a cultural/location tag, which imho is something that should be added to all questions). –  Sep 12 '17 at 02:45
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    As @Hamlet says, this is *way* too broad. As the questions you linked show, questions need to be about a **specific** situation... we can't tell you all the possible witty retorts for all possible inquiries. Pick **a** inquiry and go from there. – Catija Sep 12 '17 at 02:53
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    Are you writing a book? Yes, it's way too broad. Also, I don't know what ITR means, and I hate it when someone keeps on using the same acronym without explaining what it means first. – Stephan Branczyk Sep 12 '17 at 03:52
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    I also came to ask about ITR too. Is ITR a person? Canada51 you're alienating visitors, unintentionally, by your (quasi-obsessional) need to be concise. To visitors who are reading this, let me explain, I know the OP from EL&U –  Sep 12 '17 at 05:58
  • Easier to understand. But why not give real life examples, examples taken from your own experience? Just supply a pseudonym and change any details that might inadvertently, and unintentionally, reveal their identity. A person who is overly curious about your private affairs is called a ***nosy parker*** or a ***busybody***. Give concrete examples of the type of questions they ask you. –  Sep 12 '17 at 06:38
  • @Mari-LouA Thanks for your support. I added 3; that's the commonest question. – NNOX Apps Sep 12 '17 at 06:41
  • @Mari-LouA I do, when I suspect the inquisitors (in real life) to interrogate me about this to try to compare or rank themselves against others. I don't ask this. What should I write instead of 'assumptions'? – NNOX Apps Sep 12 '17 at 07:32
  • Related: [Dealing with TMI (Too Much Information)](https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/364/dealing-with-tmi-too-much-information) and [How to respond to someone when they ask how much you earn?](https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1804/how-to-respond-to-someone-when-they-ask-how-much-you-earn) –  Sep 12 '17 at 10:02
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    I voted to reopen because I think this question can be answered and addressed to very well. Even though the number of questions there can be answers to is broad, the situation is all but the same. I think this questions has potential. But then again, I don't know about @Mari-LouA's comment about the related questions. – Crazy Cucumber Sep 12 '17 at 12:49
  • @Mari-LouA Aaah, gotcha. I didn't know if saying a question is related to another is saying this is a duplicate or not. – Crazy Cucumber Sep 12 '17 at 13:03
  • Related Meta question: https://interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/q/1688/36 As far as I can tell, the edits don't make this less broad. If you're voting to reopen, please consider explaining why on that meta question. – Catija Sep 12 '17 at 13:11
  • @CrazyCucumber Thanks for your support. – NNOX Apps Sep 12 '17 at 23:55
  • @Mari-LouA Thanks for your edit. I edited to shorten the post some more (e.g. merged the subheading Problem with subheading Question). – NNOX Apps Sep 12 '17 at 23:55
  • After your edit, the title is now ungrammatical. –  Sep 13 '17 at 09:39
  • How is this not a duplicate of : https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/1804/56 – BACKPFEIFENGESICHT Sep 13 '17 at 15:55
  • @CrazyCucumber maybe it should be edited in first line? I have no idea what is asked here although reading it a few times... – Danubian Sailor Sep 20 '17 at 15:35
  • Asking someone what you do for a living is a very common thing in the USA, so I would expect it to be fairly common in Canada too. – YetAnotherRandomUser Feb 15 '18 at 19:58

3 Answers3

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It is important to avoid upsetting the busybody, because people who ask a lot of nosy questions also tend to be gossipy rumor-starters, so if you get on their bad side they might turn into a problem for you. What you want is for them to think you are genuinely boring, and they will leave you alone as soon as they realize you are not a good source of the juicy information that they crave. I recommend neutralizing the busybody in two steps:

  1. The initial deflection. As you pointed out, being very direct (e.g., "I'd rather not answer that") may come across as rude or suspicious. Jokes such as the ones you mentioned can be very effective for the initial deflection. Another less direct way to deflect a nosy question is to make a confused face and earnestly ask the busybody "Hmm why do you ask?" or "Hmm why does that matter?". This will put them on their heels for a moment while they consider how to respond.
  2. The derailment. Abruptly change the topic to something mind numbingly boring (to them). Be careful to pretend like this is a completely genuine and spontaneous topic change, like it just popped into your head. If you are in a work environment, you can bring up some dry work-related topic or even ask them to help you with some work-related thing (e.g., "OH, hey while you're here, could you help me make some photocopies???"). If you are in a social context, then try to find some other topic that they find boring (e.g., college football, your adorable niece, the latest news from North Korea, or really anything you can ramble on about that bores them).

If you do this a few times, usually the busybody will stop approaching you to ask nosy questions because every time they do, they get sucked into some boring task or conversation. It won't make them like you, but it won't make them hate you either- you will simply become useless to them, and they will leave you alone.

Slow loris
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I prefer the direct response. This is not an assault but a request for clarification.

"How much did you pay for that?"

"Well actually, where I grew up we didn't talk about money all the time. Where did you grow up?"

This give him (always seems to be) a reasonable retreat by talking about where he is from or that it is none of your business. In any event it changes the subject and cauterizes your spending as a topic. Any further questions should be directed at his answer or the fact that he has not answered.

Elliot
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Some thoughts for you...

  • Most people accept the polite or humorous deflection. Keep in mind that you've tried this and they persisted. They've made their choice.

  • Give one last chance, with a little of the veneer stripped away. "I'm totally not telling you that. So how bout them [local sports team]?"

  • Remember that it is okay to be annoyed at this point, and let it show. If they still persist tell them something useless. "You're starting to annoy me" is a good reply here.

One further thought... You might stop and reconsider which questions you consider inappropriate. You mentioned:

Other examples of prying questions: - What do you do for a living? - What's your occupational history? - What roles did you have before your current role?

That first one, "what do you do for a living" is often the second thing someone will ask you, after your name. It will seem odd if you are not willing to answer that. Consider people's mien and attitude when they speak to you; most of the questions people will ask you are innocuous.

akaioi
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