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I am a male in my mid-twenties. A female friend of mine sent me a text saying that one of her friends (female) came across my profile and thought that I'm "really cute". I joked around with my friend for a bit and then she sent me a link to her friend's FB profile, suggesting that I add her and get to know her because she wanted to get to know me. For context, she's also in her mid-twenties but in college (I've finished school and work at least full-time).

I added her and by the end of the night, and after a little flirting, we exchanged phone numbers.

It's been about a week since then and it has been nonstop "texting tag" (think phone tag but with texting). The thing is, I understand being busy and not breaking up the time to text someone back. Especially in early stages of getting to know someone, you dont want to seem clingy and strangers aren't a priority. In general, I don't text friends during work hours, while at the gym, doing errands, etc. But when I settle in after work or the gym, with Netflix or some other menial task going, I'll proactively engage in texting buddies back and having texting conversations.

Every time I text her, I won't get a text for a few hours. Examples:

  • Text her (9:00PM) : Response (11:30PM) (2.5 hrs)
  • Text her (7:00AM) : Response (10:45AM) (3.75 hrs)
  • Text her (11AM): Response (7:00PM) (8 hrs)
  • Text her (7:05PM): Response (11PM) (4 hrs)

It's like at least 2 hours need to pass before I'll get a response, regardless of the time of day I text her. I'd have asked her out for a simple coffee or lunch but she lives a few hours away.

So I proposed that we have a chat on the phone, if she'd be up for it. She sent smily faces and we both agreed on Thursday night. Thursday night rolls around and she apologizes to say that she's out with friends and then asked when I'd be asleep. I replied that "It's no big deal. I go to bed around 11PM", and that she can call whenever. 10:30PM rolls around and she texts me to say that she's tired and going to sleep. She then asks when would be a better day for her to call. I told her no worries and said she could just call whenever is convenient for her.

She hasn't offered up an alternative time to call or called me back, it's been a few days (including the weekend, a great time to call someone!). My experience and intuition tells me that she's either:

  1. Playing games.
  2. Trying to seem non-clingy by having dramatically long average response times of essentially half a day.
  3. Not interested.

I'm not insulted, and as a proactive individual I understand that people get busy, but it's been my experience that when people are sincerely interested in someone, they'll actively keep communication and make a slight effort to reach out. I know that I always make sure, regardless of my busy schedule, to make a woman know that I'm interested and that she's got my attention. I'm not saying texting back every hour on the hour, but at some point in the day, like before bed, holding a conversation over texts for at least 15-20 minutes. She's definitely flirting with me, lots of good signs in her texts, but in past similar situations, I've been patient with girls like this for weeks just to find myself in the friend zone situation and things fizzling out.

Are my expectations too high? Am I reading things wrong? Should I make a joke about the reply times in order to see what's up with her? Should I keep engaging in texting her and hoping she'll take the time to call me?

Observant93
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    Have you tried not texting her for a day or two? – Tycho's Nose Nov 19 '17 at 21:03
  • Also, are you looking to confront her about the long response times? Or would you like to find out if she's interested in you? – Tycho's Nose Nov 19 '17 at 21:12
  • @Tycho'sNose I think she's probably interested since her friend went out of her way to get the two connected and they got from Facebook to phone numbers. Maybe he lost her interest though. – 8protons Nov 19 '17 at 21:25
  • @OldPadawan I updated the end with questions – Observant93 Nov 19 '17 at 22:17
  • @Tycho'sNose I'm not sure what I should do. Not sure if confronting her is unnecessary/weird – Observant93 Nov 19 '17 at 22:17
  • @Observant93 Actually I am/was in a very similiar situation as you. Got to know a girl, wrote, she never was the big writer, and always took some time (not as long as with u). Because we live 5 mins apart (same town) me met, made out and so on. Goes for 3 weeks, suddenly she stops writing me for 3 days. And i simply dont know why. Turns out she was not sure about feelings and stuff. and even after she started writing again she was very distanced, didnt write back for hours and so on and so on. I always wrote fast, and a lot. thats just my writing style..... – MansNotHot Nov 21 '17 at 13:33
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    But then i just got fed up, lost interest a bit and then i was the one not writing as much, not replying and so on. And suddenly she started getting proactive, sending me pics again, writing longer and more frequently. So might really just be that you pressure her a bit by wanting to have contact so much. Or she is insecure about possible feelings and so on. Women are complicated and exactly knowing WHAT is wrong is sadly almost impossible if you dont know a person very well. – MansNotHot Nov 21 '17 at 13:34
  • So my adive would be to just cut back a bit, let her some space. If she has feelings and is interested she will get proactive, if not, she most certainly is not ready or just does not want something from you. – MansNotHot Nov 21 '17 at 13:35
  • I think she's not having a terrible crush for you, but it doesn't mean she's playing games or wants you out of her life. Some people (like me) hate texting all the time, or using the phone at all. Give her space. – rupps Nov 30 '17 at 00:42
  • Nothing quite as romantic as having to plan a phone conversation. Can't we just dial anymore? The times you list are also definitely not times most people would be available! – Weckar E. Jan 11 '18 at 15:33

1 Answers1

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The behaviour you describe appears to be gentle push-back, that is she wants to reduce how often she talks with you but without making a confrontation about it.

This could mean she is not that interested in you, or it could mean that she felt a little overwhelmed or controlled by the level of contact. Either way, it's not the sign of someone totally into you, as usually they would be very eager to be texting as much as possible.

So take that for what it is: some guy's opinion on the internet, but it might be wise to try and take your mind off it a bit by treating yourself to things you enjoy doing alone for a while.

If you confront her about it she may tell you a truth that you may not like. Or you may not get a straight answer, leaving you no wiser. It's probably unnecessary but I can understand why you may want to.

trr
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  • I agree. OP should have advanced right to making a date after she gave her number. But she got bored with the interaction and is no longer feeling excited. Gotta strike while the iron is hot.. OP *might* be able to salvage this by calling himself out and making a quick pivot to setting a date, but it'll need some luck (i.e. her mood). I'd try something like, "Let's start over. I'll pretend I'm not actually stupid if you pretend you're the girl who messaged me out of nowhere that time. Meet me at XYZ later. 7pm. Wear your best Santa hat." ....or something along those lines. – elrobis Dec 20 '17 at 15:32