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I, single woman, 34 years, in Mauritius, have been the victim of domestic violence and the authorities caused my dad and brother to stop their behavior. Deep down themselves, they have not changed but they know they will face consequences, so they are acting differently.

My problem is social life. Events like wedding, birthday, funeral, dinner at relatives, I used to avoid all the going out with dad and/or brother. First what it used to be was that talks about domestic violence was taboo. When with people, I have to be presented according to them, keep smiling and showing as if I am very beloved. As such, I stopped going out with them. Then, there was a period when seeing authorities, court, doctors and recuperating myself, I was never at any wedding, birthday, funeral, dinner at relatives.

Now, there are times I feel very lonely. Most of my friends are married and they have their life. So, no human interaction. Last time went to a birthday celebration for a cousin who returned from abroad after five years. In the presence of my dad and brother, I just fringe or crisp. I don't know how to describe that feeling when in front of my abusers. I just cannot enjoy. I feel disgusted when seeing them. At the party, there were people not recognizing me. Others were so happy meeting me, as if I have returned from abroad for some years.

I really need some social skills advice, how I can make friends and grow relationships or enjoy myself when my dad and/or brother are also at the event? Also, I don't want talks that I share, to fall in their ears. See, my cousin is his cousin. My uncle is his uncle. My aunt is his aunt. And will this ever change throughout my lifetime? They will always share the same network of people. When a relative invites a family, they also invite the whole family.

Please advise.

Ladu
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  • Do you still live with your father and brother? – apaul Jan 25 '18 at 21:09
  • Yes but I avoid them. I'm mostly confined to my room. – Ladu Jan 25 '18 at 21:17
  • Which specific situation you want? it is there in any event throughout lifetime. Why are you correcting my post so much ? – Ladu Jan 25 '18 at 21:18
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    Hi Ladu, I'm sorry you're dealing with this :( I edited your post for a couple grammar mistakes and to change the tag (I didn't see anything about substance abuse in the post so I figured it was a typo). Can you share which country you are from and how old you are? I'm also not quite sure what part you are looking for advice on- ways to avoid dad/brother at events, dealing with comments from relatives about them, something else? PS don't be too worried about the "on hold" notice - that's just to keep people from answering before we understand your situation better, it can be reopened after :) – Em C Jan 25 '18 at 21:26
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    Currently your question has been put on hold for being too broad. If you [edit] your question it will automatically be put in a queue where people can vote to reopen it provided that it is sufficiently specific. – sphennings Jan 25 '18 at 21:26
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    **Please don’t write answers in comments.** It bypasses our quality measures by not having voting (both up and down) available on comments, as well as having other problems [detailed on meta](https://interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/questions/1644/please-dont-write-answers-in-comments). Comments are for clarifying and improving the question; please don’t use them for other purposes – sphennings Jan 25 '18 at 21:28
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    I don't see this question as too broad, and I'm not sure how she could narrow it without reducing its utility. The question as I understand is "how does one jump-start a social life in the face of abusers who are making it impossible to socialize within your tightest circle?" It's not ambiguous, and it's not at all impossible to construct a useful, meaningful answer. – Ben I. Jan 25 '18 at 21:29
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    @Ladu It's worth noting that a closed question is not meant to be a slap in the face, and it usually not permanent; it gives you space to make fixes so that you ultimately get better answers. (Once answers start getting posted, there are restrictions on the sorts of changes you can make, so closing a question *fast* can actually be helpful.) I know that it can feel like an attack, but that is not its purpose here. If my previous comment was correct, feel free to just copy my text into your question at the end with a "So, here's the question:", and I suspect it will be reopened. – Ben I. Jan 25 '18 at 21:40
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    @Ladu this is an important group of questions and I suspect you aren't the only person who needs to know these things. I'd suggest breaking this up into a couple separate questions, such as How do I make friends, how do I attend family gatherings where my abuser is present, and how do explain to my family that I do not want to be at events with my abuser? I think those as separate questions will provide a great deal of info for you, even if they are duplicates of existing questions. – baldPrussian Jan 25 '18 at 21:56
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    @MeganSullivan That's not how it works. I'm sorry. We all want to help and don't like seeing people in difficult situations but our need to help must be tempered by what's best for the site. We can not offer solutions without a specific problem and preferred outcome. – Catija Jan 25 '18 at 23:19
  • Fringe or crisp? Creative words, but hard to be sure I'm understanding what you're intending to say. – aparente001 Jan 26 '18 at 03:49
  • @baldPrussian By saying "and how do explain to my family that I do not want to be at events with my abuser?" you are giving it another meaning. It's not on me that i WANT or DON'T WANT their presence. They are also invited as they share the same level of relationship. See, my cousin is his cousin. My uncle is his uncle. My aunt is his aunt. And will this ever change throughout my lifetime? – Ladu Feb 03 '18 at 19:00
  • @Ben I Thank U so much Ben I. for finding the right word for me: "how does one jump-start a social life in the face of abusers who are making it impossible to socialize within your tightest circle?" – Ladu Feb 03 '18 at 19:01

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