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I have a recurring problem in my life.

I try, but I can't have female friends. It is hard for me because I love to have conversations with them and I have problems with guys because they act like children, they can only talk about sex, and things like that. Even if I try to talk about it with them, they can't do it in a serious or mature way.

It seems I have a lot of charm and charisma, especially on women, and this is something that girls have told me too.

The point is, that I am just myself. I talk with them, I tell them stupid things, like when I'm doing some poo (and I'm sure this isn't fascinating or mature at all), I talk with them about everything that is serious or not, and always as if they were adults without caring about their age.

Every time I'm clear that I just want to be friends and they seem to want the same, but after some weeks or less, they "fall in love" and tell me that they don't want to be my friend but more. When I clarify by repeating that I just want to be their friend, they just kick me out of their life.

It's like I can't control this, it happened when I was 19 years old with a 36-year-old woman too (but in her case we did something more).

I can't understand what happens because if I look at a mirror I feel uncomfortable, I see myself as an ugly guy, so I don't think it's physically related, especially considering that I'm not tall and I look younger.

Maybe I did something wrong, considering that I love cuddles and it's a part of my personality, when I'm single I hug my friends (only girls, I don't like to hug boys as that makes me feel uncomfortable) and I suppose that those cuddles may let them think that I want more.

I don't try to be "sexy" with them at all. I even asked one of them how she cleaned her nose with her piercing...

How can I be friends with a girl without making her fall in love with me?

Marco Salerno
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  • Do you mostly hang out with women? With one at a time (until she wants more and then kicks you out of her life)? You hug them, you cuddle with them and spend a lot of time with them only? – Anne Daunted GoFundMonica Sep 13 '17 at 17:05
  • @AnneDaunted yes i mostly hang out with women, not always one at a time, but usually i meet more the girl that i know better, and yes hug them but i don't kiss or things like these – Marco Salerno Sep 13 '17 at 17:10
  • Maybe i forgot to specify that i have 2 older sisters, i grow up with 3 women by my side and i have a lot of emphaty with women, i mostly know what they think, what they would like me to do, and i understand what they want me to do, like when they want me to kiss them, i can feel it – Marco Salerno Sep 13 '17 at 17:13
  • So when you feel what they want you to do, do you react to them in some way, e. g. to prevent them kissing you or do you tell them outright that this is out of the question? Are you sure, that you are always correct in your judgement? – Anne Daunted GoFundMonica Sep 13 '17 at 17:18
  • Usually i take some distance, yes because they end to do the first step or telling me how they feel – Marco Salerno Sep 13 '17 at 17:24
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    Some of the answers to this question may be of help: https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2632/how-to-gently-tell-someone-that-you-just-want-to-be-friends – Anne Daunted GoFundMonica Sep 13 '17 at 17:26
  • How old are you? –  Sep 13 '17 at 21:49
  • Possible duplicate of [How to gently tell someone that you just want to be friends?](https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2632/how-to-gently-tell-someone-that-you-just-want-to-be-friends) – Mauricio Arias Olave Sep 13 '17 at 21:56
  • @MarcoSalerno about the content of your question, I should rephrase the title, and about your situation, check the related question. I'm not sure how you introduce yourself with females, but, you should be more direct about your goals with female friends *(if you didn't yet)*. – Mauricio Arias Olave Sep 13 '17 at 21:59
  • @peufeu 21 right now – Marco Salerno Sep 13 '17 at 22:03
  • @MauricioAriasOlave it isn't the same question, maybe it can be similar – Marco Salerno Sep 13 '17 at 22:03
  • @MarcoSalerno The cliché being that it is usually women who are seen as being flirtatious with men when they did not intend to do so, and that women are usually more perceptive of such things. – can-ned_food Sep 13 '17 at 23:42
  • @MarcoSalerno `cuddles` is perhaps not the best term to use in this scenario, it strongly hints at romantic/intimate and protective feelings. I'd use the term "hug" if I were you. "Hug" is a brief embrace that can be affectionate but shouldn't really last longer than 5-10 seconds. "Cuddling" suggests an embrace that can continue for several minutes and will include kissing. See [**here**](http://www.differencebetween.info/difference-between-hug-and-cuddle). Hope this helps, I thought it was important to mention because sometimes an inappropriate term can colour other people's opinions of you. –  Sep 14 '17 at 09:25
  • Infact i said hug in the question – Marco Salerno Sep 14 '17 at 10:02
  • `those cuddles may let them think` and `considering that I love cuddles ` But you also said "hugs" too. If you don't want to repeat the word "hug" you can say `I suppose those spontaneous acts of affection may let them think...` –  Sep 14 '17 at 11:16
  • Yes i did it to don't repeat too much, in italian it doesn't make any difference ty for letting me know ^^ – Marco Salerno Sep 14 '17 at 11:30
  • For those thinking this is too broad, can you share your thoughts to make this less broad? – Vylix Sep 20 '17 at 03:22

1 Answers1

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You could always try hanging out with women who aren't attracted to men... Joking there, but it would solve the problem.

Likely the best thing you could do is take a moment to recognize some of the signals you're sending. If you're younger and spending a lot of time alone with someone who could potentially be attracted to you, and you talk to them constantly, and try to make them laugh, and hug/cuddle with them when you see them.... Well it's not too surprising that they may think you're flirting.

Actions speak louder than words. Particularly when it comes to romantic entanglement.

If you want to "just be friends" start treating the women around you like they're just your friends. As in:

  • Make a point to spend time with them in group settings.
  • Keep your hands to yourself.
    • Treat your female friends like you would treat your male friends.
    • (If you wouldn't touch someone that you weren't attracted to that way, don't touch them that way)
  • Spread your attentions to more than one person.
    • People will often get the "wrong" impression if you talk to them a lot more than you talk to others.

Also it helps to be more aware of when they are flirting with you. When they begin to be a little too close or a little too cuddly, don't reciprocate. Reassert the boundary, that you just want to be friends, and take a step back.

apaul
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    I.e. maybe you are not being so non-flirtatious as you think? You could always ask a favor from someone trusted: to observe you in interaction and to give you their honest assessment. – can-ned_food Sep 13 '17 at 23:04
  • Yes, i suppose this is true, my actual girlfriend explained me that the way i give attention to a woman, even if i'm not interested, make her feel like i can be attracted. She told me too that i should try to approach without giving cuddles and attentions, to avoid any misunderstanding. PS: Upvoted your answer, i liked how you said your toughts in a direct way – Marco Salerno Sep 13 '17 at 23:14