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Sometimes my grandparents (in their 80s) occasionally make off the cuff comments such as “if I make it that long” or “if I’m still around by then”. One of them, my Nan, would chastise my great great auntie who used to say the same (she died this year at 92). My instinct is to also chastise them for saying such things, but is there a better way to acknowledge their feelings rather than admonish them?

My grandparents are generally very happy, active and jovial people so hearing such talk, no matter how off the cuff, feels very strange.

Em C
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user10610
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    Why do you want them to stop? You say it feels strange, but why is it strange? I'm asking because any answer to this is going to revolve around you explaining why you don't like it when they say these things. Obviously, they don't feel the same way, but they might respect your feelings on the matter if you explain them rather than just chastising them. – IllusiveBrian Dec 26 '17 at 22:56
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    There is a real possibility that they will not be there in a year. It's a simple fact which they seem quite willing to face head on. Is there a reason you need a reply other than to hope they make it? – anongoodnurse Dec 27 '17 at 00:00

4 Answers4

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This may be their way of preparing themselves, (or you) for the fact that she is getting older and closer to her death.

It could also be that they are simply saying this because that's what they have seen other people say when they are old.

It could also be that they are tying to be humorous.

If you are unsure why they say this then you should probably ask them why. Something simple like:

Why do you say that Nan?

Be prepared this will probably lead to a conversation about her(their) death.

If you are not prepared for a serious conversation you could stick to some responses that tell them how you feel. Such as:

No way, You'll make it to 101.

or

You better stick around. I'll miss you when your gone.

These responses effectively tell them "I love you and don't want you to die." with out being too serious. I'm sure you'll find you feel better as you express how you feel to them.

I recommend you ask them "why" sooner rather than later. From your question it sounds like the thought of their death disturbs you more than less. Having that talk with them should help you to sort out these hard feelings about their passing on. Or at least to start sorting out your feelings.

Dan Anderson
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    +1 for "I'll miss you when you're gone". The elderly often don't feel like they matter any more; this is a great response. – baldPrussian Dec 27 '17 at 00:06
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I've worked with the elderly and one thing I've discovered is that they sometimes have a very gallows sense of humor. Also, many of them have seen friends and people younger than them die, which has made them more aware of their own mortality.

They may be joking, or they may have come to the realization that they don't have much time left. Either way, the most effective thing to do is to realize that they're accepting the inevitable and to love them while they're still here. If you want to respond, I'd suggest "Well, I hope you are still here, too - and healthy!"

baldPrussian
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I have been around the elderly for most of my life. I have noticed three-ish different reasons they say it.

1: They want a compliment:

One year?! You are so active! I believe you will be burying us all!

Depending on religious affiliation maybe this is not applicable. However, the idea is to commend them on how well-kept they are for their age.

2: They are trying to come into terms with reality, as death is something they fear, and they want to share their concerns/fears with their family, in non-serious setting. In this case a non answer would be enough, as just by expressing themselves they feel relieved, however a compliment as above wouldn't hurt.

3: They fear that they will not be around much longer and by saying this they try to make sure you their relatives will spend time with them. In this case I would try to be reassuring that you will spend time and be there for them, to comfort them.

clark
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It's customary for most people to dodge these kinds of comments but I don't think shying away from this is beneficial if you truly do care about them. Acknowledge that death is a part of life and try to reassure them that they're in relatively good health and there's no reason to believe that they need to start planning for their exit any time soon. It also may be a signal that someone's bothered by their own mortality and if that's the case a little TLC may be in order. Individual attention is something our elderly don't get enough of typically.

Prettycool666
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