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I'm a male college student and I've really only got one friend. I never know how to interact with other people. I'm quite good at programming but that's probably the only thing I'm particularly good at.

I've met my friend when I moved to a college dorm 6 years ago. We started to get along very well and we had the same courses, so we essentially did everything together. Which was great because it was much easier for me to just tag along with someone and to learn together instead of doing everything on my own, which I would have done if I hadn't met him.

But sometimes I think that I'm asking too much. Because I feel very, very alone if I don't see him for a few days, which really really hurts me. I mean, I still have my parents to talk to, but I don't feel comfortable telling them about such things.

And I'm a person who is really uncomfortable alone, even though I'm very bad when it comes to social interactions - which I know is a little weird.

We can talk about anything with each other and we've actually talked about this before. But I still don't really know how to better handle these situations.

I'm gonna try to explain how I feel: I mean, I can watch tv or a movie or read stuff online to be busy, or I can work or learn, but I'm getting a kind of anxiety and I can't really concentrate, and I feel like it just hurts in my chest. I feels kind of like heartbreak feels, I can't really explain it.... I don't actually feel heartbroken because my only friend spends time with his family for a few days, but it kind of feels that way. It just hurts to be alone.

I know I can't expect that someone talks to me every day or something like that, but I shouldn't feel like this, should I? Is something wrong with me?

Thanks for listening to me!

Some background:

Before anyone asks, our relationship is completely platonic. We are both straight guys and we both had sex with girls before, which is also something we talked to each other about in the past, partly in graphic detail.

I don't have the best relationship with my father. I do get along with my mother very well, but I couldn't talk to her about such stuff in detail, partly because I would rather talk to people who are about the same age as me, and partly because she's got a lot on her plate with my brother who has problems in school.

Vylix
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Student93
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    The feelings do sound a lot like infatuation. Or through another lens, a psychologist would probably describe this as [codependency](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency). – Nat Oct 05 '17 at 01:41
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    Not enough for an answer but are there some clubs you can join? Volunteer at events? – paparazzo Oct 05 '17 at 01:57
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    There're really two kinds of "_introverts_": **(1)** those who're drained by social interaction and [recharge in solitude](https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/4301/1563); **(2)** those who fear social interaction and retreat to solitude. It's possible for someone to be both, but which do you relate more closely to? For example, say that you don't feel like going out to a party that you're invited to, then which is more likely: **(a)** it sounds tiresome and you'd rather read a book; **(b)** you're nervous about the social nuances and how people might treat you? – Nat Oct 05 '17 at 02:02
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    @Nat Why not incorporate your comments into an answer? It sounds like your input would be helpful to the OP. – Tycho's Nose Oct 05 '17 at 06:00
  • Does it hurt to be alone at all or only when without your friend (e.g. When with your mother)? – JBRWilkinson Oct 05 '17 at 06:12
  • Are the both of you still at that college? I was thinking US colleges are attended 4 years and you said you moved to the dorm 6 years ago ... (I could be ill-informed, though - I am not in / from the US) – Fildor Oct 05 '17 at 07:07
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    I'm voting to close this question as off-topic because 'Is something wrong with me' is something only professional help can address, the question in the title (am I asking too much of him) is opinion-based, and the question as a whole is very broad. – Tinkeringbell Oct 05 '17 at 16:15
  • And I'm sorry for only doing it now (after this question has been up for 14 hours). I didn't notice it's existence before, but it's in my opinion not a good fit for IPS the way it's written now. If you can @Student93, you can post on [meta](https://interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/) to discuss this further and see if the question can be salvaged. – Tinkeringbell Oct 05 '17 at 16:18

2 Answers2

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By common everyday standards you do appear to be over-attached to your friend. Not necessarily that you're asking too much of him ... it sounds more like you're simply suffering in silence instead.

Honestly I think I'd be remiss if I didn't suggest you look into counseling. As a college student you may find that there are a lot of resources available to you through the school. Recommend you check this out, because you two will only be in school for so long, and it's uncertain whether the two of you will end up in the same town afterward.

Side-note - needing help and "there's something wrong with me" are not quite the same thing. There is no shame in talking things out with a professional; get a parallax view of your situation.

NVZ
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akaioi
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    _"when I moved to a college dorm **6 years ago**"_ - I thought US colleges are attended in average for 4 years? So, OP may have since graduated? – Fildor Oct 05 '17 at 07:06
  • I couldn't agree with your side-note more. Talking to someone and getting their view on the matter is greatly helpful in my experience – Iarwain Oct 05 '17 at 09:51
  • @Fildor I'm not sure I completely understand the timeline; we know OP is in school, but don't know about the friend. Point is, it's problematic to rely so strongly on someone who could move away... – akaioi Oct 05 '17 at 14:59
  • @akaioi Yeah, I don't know if that's really relevant. I was just wondering. – Fildor Oct 05 '17 at 15:07
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I'm very introverted and only have one friend, do I ask too much of him?

I had a somewhat similar problem with my wife back when I was still married. We were both introverted and aspie. So we ended up largely just spending time together which was nice, but at a point we kinda got on each other's nerves...

Asking one person to meet all of your social/emotional needs is asking a lot of them. It's a big job no matter how low maintenance you might be.

I know I can't expect that someone talks to me every day or something like that, but I shouldn't feel like this, should I? Is something wrong with me?

Humans are social animals, unfortunately we're just sort of wired that way. Feeling pangs of intense loneliness isn't unusual for people who are alone a lot of the time. I've definitely been there myself at a few points in my life. There's nothing wrong with you, other than needing to spend some time with other humans.

See: https://www.google.com/amp/s/io9.gizmodo.com/why-solitary-confinement-is-the-worst-kind-of-psycholog-1598543595/amp

So... On to the solution.

Try to branch out a little bit. I know meeting people and making friends can be challenging, but it gets easier with practice. Find a place that speaks to your interests and hangout there on a regular basis. Eventually you're bound to meet someone who shares that interest and you may eventually get to know them a little bit and become friends.

If you find that socializing causes you a great deal of discomfort and/or anxiety it may be worth talking to a professional about it. There are therapies and medications that can help.

apaul
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